December 2, 2013

Letters to the Past, Part 3 - ME

"Me, my letter to you."

     This may sound odd but you really aren't apart of my past. You are honestly apart of my present, but the way we go back and forth makes the feeling like it is in the past. You had around the same vibe as my sister, and felt comfortable to speak of things I would normally just keep to myself. Of all the women I spoke to, there was just something about I either learned or felt that didn't really click with me. When I met you, we both clicked immediately. It took a little bit but you started picking things up about me that shocked and scared me at the same time. It was hard at times to even look you in the eyes because you knew what I was feeling.

Not a word spoken and yet you can tell me what is wrong with me. You took more interest in me than anything else at the time. I remember I nervously asked you out on a date and you said yea. My heart skipped a few beats as I was past excited. It was an amazing experience and wish to do it again soon. It was weird, when we were watching that movie together.. I wasn't just thinking "man the things we can do as my girlfriend." but more along the lines "Man, I'm trying to make her my wife." Perhaps around the time it was pre-mature but I was developing feelings fast.

I can spare the backdrop, we both been over this enough to know how we got to this point. The picture depicts that you are right behind me, by my side. I know this isn't the case figuratively speaking, but we maintain that closeness. I say that because time and again I told you what the deal was, and though you ignore it and ask me other things irrelevant to what I just said. As I said, you wouldn't speak to me this long if you didn't feel some type of way about me.

To be completely honest, if you didn't give off around the same vibes as my sister, I would of left you as I've done with others in the past. That, and you've seen me twice in my most vulnerable state. I've seen you around the same 2 points.. that's why we don't let go, because we know each other on a deeper level. I've tried to leave quite a few times, but it never ends up working. What killed me one day was when you told me "If you want me to leave, all you have to tell me". What made it so odd you knew I wouldn't ask that of you. I tried that once over text and I got like 3 pages back of how you felt. It was around that time I felt I was just stuck with you.

You did the same thing my sister did, but a distinct difference between the 2. When me and her had our moment, she explain in 4 pages in a logical sense. It was the weirdest thing but I understood and became mad close because of it. Now with yours, it was a page less, but it was filled with emotions I know I couldn't deal with. They were genuine.. which made it hard to let go. To feel distant yet so close at the same time. Despite it all, I still have love for you.

There will come a day where I can show you this all in confidence, but for now, it's merely a letter to vent and place my thoughts on. I go back and forth with how I feel you on certain days which was why I hesitated  to even write this. However I felt I had wrote this in a happy medium so, this part of the letters have been born. #Untilthen

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