November 25, 2013

Letters to the Past, Part 2 - Sa

"Sa, I promised I'd come back for you."

     Of course I had to write a letter to you, because you mean the most to me out of the 3. I met you in community college and though things didn't exactly go the way I wanted it to, I'm glad that it didn't. Things went alot better than expected, and didn't just gain a friend, but a sister who would have my back for the years to come. Our relationship will always remain special for the simple fact that we know the trials that both of us had to experience over the years. Alot of people don't understand our closeness, so in turn stopped caring to explaining it.

I know you bring up the fact I disappeared for 3 months once in a blue moon and I do apologize for that. No words can aid in explaining what I felt at the time, but rather just doing what I thought was right (at the time). But you just happened to be there when I got my heart broken. For the first time in a long time, I showed that I could actually be vulnerable. As more time passed, you saw more of those moments as they became normal to you. It was a rare feeling that I felt safe to talk to you about certain issues. In turn, you returned the favor.. so we knew quite a bit about each other.

I've learned a great deal from you, even though at times I downplayed it. I became more educated and saw alot more value in learning about the things around me... people, the environment, history, etc. You taught me values I wasn't going to learn in college any time soon. Most times when you opened your mouth, I felt the need to sit and listen. Things were strong with us for quite some time, until the last few months however. I don't know how to quite explain it, but you are definitely different. For me to say if that is a good thing or a bad thing, is still uncertain...but I'm sure you will reveal in due time.

It was one weird night that you just shut down on me, and it got to me. I think the real reason it cut deeper than it did was not only of our history, but also me trying to recover from the alcohol I consumed earlier that night. Even now when we come in contact, I know that look in your eyes.. they are much different than they were before. Behind them is a story to explain why you are the way you are now. I had a similar experience with someone else that allowed me to see deeper than what it was on the surface. That whole encounter has changed me considerably. I myself can't say for sure if it was needed or is it merely the seasons that I brought the change about. I started to speak more, but some have said I've become an asshole, bitter, cold.

I've even started to wonder was it because I was hurt somewhere and not realize it or was it going off the vibe you felt that night, or how you feel towards certain people. Perhaps it's the connection we have started growing stronger, because I don't like my sister being unhappy. I don't know, I can only make guesses at this point. I just want to let you know that I still love you and want you to be around. I don't want to run the risk of losing you. I've told you this once before, but I've dealt with people walking in and out of my life.. I can't deal if you did, or rather I will not deal with it. You have played a huge role in my life and know that I do think highly of you.

The weirdest part about it all, you are about all the things I ever asked for in a woman, and then some. However, because I look at you as family, I don't consider it much anymore. Maybe 2-3 times out of the whole time we've known each other I've thought of it but it died within the minute. I miss you SA, and I look forward to the day I can show you this Letter in confidence. #UntilThen

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