December 20, 2013
"You can look at me and see i'm not myself."
I wanted to blame you, to soothe my guilty conscious for the mistakes I've made while under the influence of you. However, I cannot because I knew what the deal was from the jump before I decided to drink you and "turn up". There where a few times that you had helped me along in saying things that I wanted to but didn't know how, because you were my safe haven should anything go wrong. I thank you for those moments, for their something I will never forget.
While I haven't forgotten what you've done for me, I still remember what you've done to me as well. Thanks to you, I have more women craving for the alcoholic persona than they do the sober one. I can't tell you how many times I've had a conversation with some of them, approaching the subject of "I wanna get you drunk". I try to tell them it's a persona they rather not deal with. Of course they ignore my warnings and continue on with activities involving you.
Sitting around, one would think "well...if it's that bad, why do you continue to do it?". The answer for that is.. I believed myself to be a bit of a social drinker. So I drink you around friends and to have a good time. Little do I know, the stronger you are, the more vulnerable I become. In order to transform into that alcoholic persona (that's what I call you.), I have to consume enough of you in order for it all to go down. And so you begin your reign for a feeling that lasts what seems like hours.
I start acting different, saying some things that are perhaps outlandish. The feelings I possess for others will be amplified under the control of you. I become more aggressive than usual, but not in the sense one may think. I'm more or less when I see something I want, I will try to get it right then and there. Apparently you know how to say all the right things. I thought the same thing at first, until I heard the stories of what I have forgotten the day after it all happened.
It was because of you I think I ended up losing a close friend because I couldn't control you enough to derail you from your aggressive nature. Don't get me wrong, I try to gain control back and fight you every step of the way. Sadly, I know that the process is slow and takes a bit. As much as I detest you, you are apart of me.. and I have to take responsibility for the damage done whenever you are in my system. After all, it was my choice in the first place to keep consuming you.